Steps in a Direction

I think the small moments are important in our lives. This year I've fallen in love with this artist's work on the left.  You can find Puung's work at this web site

It's a celebration of the little moments.  And it is heart warming and a bright spot in my year. 

I have hopes and dreams for 2016.  But I'm also struggling to hope big.  To dream.  

I don't want to be afraid to dream.  To hope for big beautiful things in the world and life.  But 2016 feels a bit hard to tackle.  And yes a lot of this is all the feels of Sarah.  Learning to live in the hard and beautiful emotions of life.  The down side of being a feeling actor.   

I'm thinking of my favorite book at the moment.  Deerskin by Robin McKinely.  A book about healing.  A book about painful scars.  And the character's choice to make small steps forward towards love.  

And maybe that is enough for 2016.  To take steps slowly in a direction.  

In The Heart of Shahrazad I wrote that we all makes steps towards love or death.  I believe this.  But some days/years choosing love, even in small amounts is hard.  I want it all sorted out.  I want to know why.  To see the path clearly ahead.   

I want to be an optimist.  I want to crawl out from under guilt or shame or whatever comes with creating art and the hardness of pursuing this crazy journey.  

Yet.  For today.  And I think for 2016 the goal is steps in a direction.  The direction of love and life. 

I spoke with my philsopher friend Dr. Meek a few years ago about life.  And she encouraged me to think about what gave me joy and do it.  That it was ok to pour into the things we love.  

Some days this is painfully hard.  Because the things I love are also things that have meant the bills are hard to pay.  They don't always make sense.  There are a thousand excuses for why I shouldn't pour into them.  Too old.  Started too late.  It's a waste.  And even the things I love are hard to do.  Because you can try really hard and still not succeed.  

But maybe the choice and direction for this year is simply to take steps in a direction towards the things I love.  Learning to quiet the voices that say no.  

To take the steps of Sisyphus who rolled a rock up a hill again and again.  (This article by Sarah Thebarge gave me a new perspective on Sisyphus this year. )

I've looked back at the last few years and my work.  And all the steps forward add up over time.  Slowly.  Ever so slowly.  

We are each on a journey.  Filled with our own pains.  Often ones the world doesn't see.  I don't want to run from pain or scars.  I want to look them square in the face and take that giant rock and roll it up the hill and choose love. 

And I'm learning that even the days when I sit at the bottom of the hill and give up are ok. That there is grace for the days when we have to wait for the strength to move forward.  

And perhaps being content with "okay".  Not brilliant.  Not a genius.  Not the best.  Just putting one foot in front of the other is enough.  That not all of us are world changers, but even our little steps into the world can make a difference.  

So I'm pointing my feet towards the path I hope to journey on this year.  And for today that is enough.  For who can predict the future.  

So here's to the work and steps of 2016.  

May we find love for the journey.  Enough silliness to bring laughter into the darkness. And hearts with just enough rebellion to choose love despite the odds.